INTRODUCTION: Today’s Scripture Reading is regularly read in churches at this time of year. In this passage, Jesus gives his followers practical advice regarding how to handle it if a member of the church sins against them. Although this advice is nearly 2000 years old, it can still help us navigate the sometimes challenging waters of interpersonal interactions within Christian Community. Let’s listen for God’s Spirit speaking through these words.
Scripture: Matthew 18:15-20
15 [Jesus said:] “If another member of the church sins against you, go and point out the fault when the two of you are alone. If the member listens to you, you have regained that one. 16But if you are not listened to, take one or two others along with you, so that every word may be confirmed by the evidence of two or three witnesses. 17If the member refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church; and if the offender refuses to listen even to the church, let such a one be to you as a Gentile and a tax-collector. 18Truly I tell you, whatever you bind on earth will be bound in heaven, and whatever you loose on earth will be loosed in heaven. 19Again, truly I tell you, if two of you agree on earth about anything you ask, it will be done for you by my Father in heaven. 20For where two or three are gathered in my name, I am there among them.”
Here ends the reading. May God bless us as we consider how we might act on these words.
Sermon: “Nip It in the Bud”
I am guessing that all of us are familiar with the classic movie the Wizard of Oz. There is a scene close to the beginning of the movie where the character who later becomes the Wicked Witch of the West--Almira Gulch-- has arrived with an unjust order from the Sheriff to take away Dorothy’s little dog Toto. Not wanting to break the law, Auntie Em feels compelled to hand the dog over to the mean old lady, but she’s not happy about it. At this point, you probably all remember Auntie Em’s famous response, “Almira Gulch…for 23 years I’ve been dying to tell you what I think of you, and now…well…being a Christian woman, I can’t…!”
Apparently Auntie Em never read Jesus’ teaching in today’s gospel lesson, which is amazingly powerful. Verse 15: “If another member of the church sins against you, wait 23 years… [No! he says, “If another member of the church sins against you, go and point out the fault when the two of you are alone.” Wow. I think this is one of Jesus’ most powerful teachings—and one of the hardest to follow! Perhaps because it goes against our natural tendencies and the ways we’ve been conditioned in polite, Christian society to behave. I don’t know about you, but when someone sins against me—says or does something that offends me or hurts my feelings in a big way, my natural, gut response is like Auntie Em’s. I want to give the person a piece of my mind. And not in a kind way. I want to lash out and hurt them like they have hurt me. But because, like Auntie Em, I believe that Jesus, who preached love for our enemies, would not condone this kind of intentionally hurtful, “lashing out” behavior, my second gut response is generally also like Auntie Em’s. Rather than lash out in an un-Christian way, I tend to bite my tongue and not say anything.
At least not to the person who offended me. My third gut response would normally be in a category of behavior that I should have left behind when I graduated from junior high. That is, I am tempted to revert to my immature, teenage self and pick up the phone and call a friend to complain. “You won’t believe what so and so just said to me!” But, let me be clear, just because I am tempted to do that, it doesn’t mean it is the right—or even a helpful—thing to do. In fact, as I bet we have all discovered at some point in our lives, talking about another person to someone else doesn’t resolve a conflict, it only serves to pull another person into the middle of our conflict, AND it escalates the conflict to another level. Instead of being a conflict or a hurtful issue between 2 people, it now becomes a conflict or an issue between 3 people—and then from there it can expand and take on a life of its own and it can even turn into a disruption that reverberates throughout the whole church community.
Now, let me just stop here and say that I’m talking about all this because I’m pretty sure that I’m not the only one who has been involved in situations like this. I think most of us in churches generally tend to behave like Auntie Em and avoid speaking directly to the person who offends us. Part of our reason for that is what I’ve already mentioned, we don’t want to lash out and hurt the person back like they’ve hurt us. And that is commendable. But this is not an either/or situation—either we lash out and hurt someone back or we say nothing. There is a way of speaking directly to a person who has hurt us that doesn’t hurt them back. In fact, it can help them--and us--grow in faith and it can strengthen the church community. Or, as the Apostle Paul has said in Ephesians 4, it can “build up the Body of Christ.”
This kind of “community building” conversation is what Jesus is talking about here. We can go to the person one-on-one, and, in a loving way, we can say something simple like, “The other day when you said or did “such and such,” I felt hurt. And I wondered what was up with that…”
Now, as an interim minister, I have had perhaps more occasions than most to be in situations where I’ve needed to go and speak directly to someone who has hurt or offended or sinned against me, and I’m not going to tell you that’s it’s easy to do. In fact, I still find it one of the hardest things about Christian life and ministry. One reason it’s hard is because most of us, myself included, want to be liked. And when you speak directly to someone about a time when you’ve been hurt, there is always the risk that the person won’t respond well. There is always the risk that the person will get even more angry at you and cause a ruckus. And who wants or needs that!!? It’s scary. It’s uncomfortable. And, in the short run, it can cause even more disruption in the Body of Christ.
But, I’ve got to tell you, 9 out of 10 times that I’ve bitten the bullet and gone to someone and spoken kindly and directly about a time when I have been hurt, I have been overwhelmingly surprised and grateful at how God has blessed the conversation.
Let me give you an example. In one church I served—ages ago, not this one—there was a dedicated lay leader whose behavior we might call “controlling.” I had several people in the church complain to me, one-on-one, about this woman’s behavior. (I’m going to refer to her as “Edna,” which is not her real name.) Every time someone would complain to me about Edna’s behavior, I’d stop them and ask, “Have you spoken to Edna directly about this?” “Oh, no,” they’d say, “I couldn’t do that.” “Why not?” I’d ask. Answers would vary. Let me give you a sampling:
· “She does so much for the church, I don’t want to hurt her feelings.”
· “She wouldn’t take it well.”
· “She’s not going to listen to me; she never does.”
· “She’s my neighbor and I have to live with her. She might take it out on me. I don’t want to risk it.”
· “It could cause division in the church.”
· And my all time favorite response, “I don’t confront people. It’s just not who I am. Why don’t you do it? You’re the pastor. Isn’t that your job?”
When people said these things, I would bring up Matthew 18 and try to explain that, “Because the incident happened between YOU and Edna, it can only be resolved by YOU and Edna. I can’t resolve it for you. No one else can. That’s simply the nature of these things. I can pray with you and coach you about what to say to Edna--and if she doesn’t respond well when you talk with her, I can go with you a second time-- for moral support and to witness the conversation. But that’s all I can do.” Sadly, in that congregation, no one, to my knowledge, at least not during the time I was there, followed up with Edna.
And then it happened. Edna stepped on my toes. She directly offended me, tried to control me, hurt my feelings, and then I was forced to practice what I preach! (Hate that!) I knew I had to go to Edna directly, but I gotta tell you, it was the last thing I wanted to do. I found myself repeating—to God in prayer—many of the “excuses” that others had used:
· “God, you know she’s not going to listen to me.”
· “She’s not going to take it well.”
· I’ve got to work with her. It’s too risky.
· What if she causes a big stink in the church?”
And God said to me, “Matthew 18. Practice what you preach.” Darn it.
To make a long story short, I called Edna and asked to meet with her. She agreed. And I started praying, hard. I even called a friend who is deeply spiritual and said, “What are you doing this morning? Do you have some time to pray with me about something?” And I prayed with my friend in advance of my meeting with Edna for 45 minutes.
And, you know what? God is good. When I met with Edna, I felt incredibly peaceful and centered. I was focused on her, not my own fear. And I explained simply how I felt hurt by her behavior. I was careful not to sound harsh and accusatory. (I didn’t go into other people’s experience, that was their business, not mine. I just focused on my experience with her.) And I then asked her what was going on with her. And the flood gates opened. She talked about all the chaos and pain in her life and with her kids and how she felt out of control in every area except the church.
I couldn’t believe it. I had no idea of the depth of her pain. And I wouldn’t have had any idea if I’d never taken the risk to talk with her. Edna didn’t miraculously change over night, but she did step back from some of the things at church she was trying to control. And my attitude toward her changed. It felt like a gift from God. I was able to let go of my anger and frustration with her, and my compassion for her began to grow. When she stepped on my toes again, it was much easier to say something to her in a loving way and “nip it in the bud” rather than stew about it.
My brothers and sisters in the Lord, I’d like to say that in the church, no one ever offends or hurts another person, but, sadly, that’s just not the case. We are all flawed human beings, and hurting each other--mostly unintentionally-- is inevitable. However, I commend to you Jesus’ teaching from our reading for today. “If another member of the church sins against you, go and point out the fault when the two of you are alone. If the member listens to you, you have regained that one.” And, from my experience, 9 out of 10 times, that is exactly what happens. May God give us the courage to talk directly with each other, even when it’s difficult. And may God bless all our conversations for the sake of Christ and the church community. Amen.
Rev. Dr. Marlayna Schmidt
Franklin Federated Church
Franklin, MA
(An earlier version of this sermon was first written and preached in York, ME on September 4, 2011)